Progress Report

Words that literally give me a knot in the pit of my stomach, as I associate them with midway updates sent home to my mom during the school year.  These were never good for me, because I am a notorious underachiever, and so a progress report only served to remind me and my mom that I was definitely NOT living up to my potential.  Anyway, I digress.

Now that I’ve discussed the main idea of my 40 before 40, and posted the actual list, let’s review where I am so far, shall we?  Don’t get too excited, I’m not about to go ham all over the list with a red pen and achieve greatness (see above reference to my tendency to under reach) in one post…these things take time, OK?  Simmer down.

As I mentioned in my last post, Steve helped me divide the 40 goals into four groups, with each group representing a chunk of time.  Some of my goals are season or date specific (#16 – Rockefeller Center Tree would be tough to see in say, June…) so having an organized idea of what I start now vs. what needs to wait (#20 – My dad doesn’t ice fish.  Thankfully!).  Here are the 14 goals that I can be working on now:

1. Lose 40 Pounds

3. Shoot a gun

5. Save $5,000

8. Plant a garden

14. Read a “Classic”

15. Spend a day with my grandma

17. Finish a craft project

19. Pay off credit card debt

21. Get a good haircut and color

28. Try a new church

29. Cook (and eat) a fish dinner

30. Keep an orchid or violet alive

38. Take Murphy to the dog park

39. Keep a journal

Here are some updates on where I stand so far:

1.Lose 40 lbs

A few years back I had some reasonable success with weight loss using a combination of gym workouts with a personal trainer and Weight Watchers.  All told, I lost about 35 pounds in about a year.  Don’t panic, I found it again.  Plus I found about 10 more just to keep things interesting.  So…I went to a weight watchers meeting a few weeks back.  That was fun.  I weighed in, saw some familiar faces…then never did a single thing I’m supposed to do.  Then I thought I’d try a new approach and I signed up for Noom, which is an online weight loss program.  I used the app for about three days before I decided that it wasn’t really telling me anything I didn’t already know.  Back to Weight Watchers I went. 

In the first two weeks of actually making at least a half hearted attempt to following the plan, I lost 2.6 pounds.  The third week I went on a business trip and gained one of those back.  Still, I know this is a plan I can do with moderate success if I apply myself, and they’ve made some changes to the plan in the last week which might make it a little more flexible for a picky eater such as myself.  I’m optimistic.  As long as I keep going to meetings and focus on making better choices at least most of the time, I know I will see results.  Slow results, but results nonetheless.

5.Save $5,000

This goal is mixed in with a bunch of larger life plans…namely “Own Property”.  I want to try to buy a house at some point, whether that be a primary residence here in Pittsburgh, or a vacation condo…not sure yet, but no matter what, I need a down payment in order to do that.  So, in order to get rolling on this, I set up my direct deposit to automatically send a “mortgage payment” into my interest bearing savings account.  This has two benefits:  I gets me used to living on my income MINUS my approximate anticipated mortgage payment, and allows me to save that money as a down payment.  I’m lucky because I live with my cousin, and my rent is cheap.  So, I subtract my rent from my anticipated mortgage payment, and automatically send the difference into that savings account.  After a few months, I will be able to tell if this is a comfortable and realistic mortgage payment goal, and also how much house I can afford based on that.  I am a smart man.  Actually, the financial advisor I spoke to is a smart man.

33.Go on a Picnic

I know, I know, I’m cheating.  Number 33 was actually listed under fall, spring and summer.  With a question mark next to it.  As it happens, I sort of crossed this one off the list inadvertently, but hey…it’s still done.  Last month, I was on a business trip to Washington, DC.  DC happens to be one of my favorite cities.  I always feel like it’s easy to navigate, I love the history, and I just love the vibe.  So, when it looked like I was going to have at least one afternoon “off”, meaning I could leave the convention center for awhile, I debated going to one of the many museums or galleries.  Since it was late October, and a beautiful day, I ultimately decided to grab some snacks and my Nook and head for the Mall.  Not the mall-mall, but the National Mall.  I spread my jacket out on the grass, stretched out and read my book while I munched on some (not altogether WW friendly) delicious olives, cheese and bread.  I hung around until the sun went down enough that it got chilly, and then I headed back to my hotel.  It was only later that I realized this was technically a picnic!  Score one for me and the list!

3.Shoot a Gun

Turns out, while there are indoor shooting ranges, I don't know anyone who is a member of one.  As such this is now going to be reallocated to a spring time activity.  See, I can swap "picnic" for "target practice".  Almost the same thing, right?

8.Plant a Garden

I had big plans to order some fall bulbs and plant them so they'd bloom in spring.  By the time I got around to ordering the bulbs I wanted, they were sold out (see: Sara is a Procrastinator, chapter...every singe chapter).  So.  This too shall be relegated to a spring garden.  Looks like I have a busy spring ahead of me.

30.Keep and Orchid or Violet Alive

I have a long history of struggling with orchids.  I think they are beautiful.  I buy them, and enjoy them, and then the blooms fall off.  And I know that if you continue to feed and water them, they will bloom again.  I know this because all the websites say so.  Also, because my grandma is able to make this happen regularly with her large collection of orchids.  I can't seem to ever get them to bloom a second time.  So now in my head, it's like a direct challenge to my ability to nurture something.  I feel like I have to do it to prove that I am a good solid human being.  But the damn things just don't cooperate!

My mom used to have a little African violet on the kitchen windowsill.  For years, she faithfully watered it and cared for it, and it survived.  Once or twice, it would get a little weird, and look like it was about to go south, and she would doggedly keep it going.  She had some kind of superstition about it's health and life being somehow indicative of my dad's health...but that's a story for another day.  All I know is that if she were going to be gone for any length of time, I had better not let that violet die on my watch.  It's dead now...and I'm not sure when exactly it finally gave up the ghost, but I thought maybe a violet might be more realistic than an orchid for my challenge.  Turns out, I really don't like them.  So...back on the orchid bus.  BUT, in the meantime, until I purchase one (again, P-R-O-C-R-A-S-T-I-N-A-T-O-R) I have successfully kept this little guy alive.  Not only haven't I killed it, but he has actually grown from the two leaves on the original cutting given to me by Steve, to the healthy six leaves you see here.  Progress!

39.Keep a Journal

This blog is acting as my journal, and since this is only the second official entry, I'd say it's not going well.  But, I intend to write more often, even if not every entry is specific to the list.  After all, the original intent of the blog was to journal about living a more purposeful and crafted life, which definitely extends beyond the 40B440 list.  As a matter of fact, I was about to start an entry about something completely unrelated when I saw that I had started this post and not finished it.  So.  Now it's finished, and I can move on to the next thing!  Which, let's be honest, is probably going to be lunch.

40 Before 40

When I created this blog, a billion and one years ago, I was looking for a way to remind myself daily of my inspiration to lead a more elegant and “put together” life.  Jackie was my inspiration for that.  I read a book called “What Would Jackie Do”…and learned a lot about inspired living, and what it means to create a daily reality for yourself.  Over the past few years, I’ve abandoned that goal and this site.  In September, I turned 39.  I’ve been mentally prepping myself to turn 40 for a while now, but when I actually hit 39….something clicked.  I finally realized, these are the last 12 months of my thirties.  I’m not having some kind of existential midlife crisis about turning 40…it’s more like I’ve made so many huge life changes in the past nine years…that I’ve forgotten or ignored some of the things that are ingredients in an inspired life, a life lived well.  So, on the eve of my 39^th birthday, I had a crazy idea to make a list of 40 things I’d like to accomplish before I turn 40.

It seems like an innocent enough idea…40 things.  Not all of them have to be Earth shatteringly poignant.  Just a simple list of 40 things to be conscious of during the next year.  So I wrote a list.  It looks like this:

It’s no secret that I regularly meet with a counselor/therapist.  His name is Steve, and he is fantastic and has really helped me change the way I think about myself and deal with my emotions in a more productive and understanding way.  I knew as soon as I started jotting down the list that this project was something he would fully get behind.  So the nest time I met with him, I laid out the idea.  As expected, he was all in.  We took a closer look at the list together, and began to carve out some of the details I was missing, and also to consider one important thing that I had sort of overlooked.  There were FORTY items on this list.  A year has 52 weeks.  Some of my items were somewhat time specific, and some would take more than one day to complete.  So with Steve prompting me, I looked at the list and broke it down into a loose schedule, starting with things I can do now (Fall), Winter, Spring and Summer of next year.

I took the list home and looked at it some more.  In one day, my cool fun idea had gone from concept to reality.  It had also gone from fun to a little bit stressful, if I’m being honest.  It was an ambitious project to begin with, and now the reality of the commitment necessary to complete it was starting to hit me.  Added to the fact that I was in the middle of the busiest chunk of time so far in my career, I was ready to quit before I even started.

The next few weeks were a blur, mostly because I was working 12+ hours a day, and traveling on top of that.  The list stayed tucked into my planner.  I thought about it at times, but…I was already feeling desperate and overwhelmed with my workload.  Adding in extra tasks, even tasks that look to be fun or fulfilling, just wasn’t going to happen.

October whizzed past, and then it was November.  I had made a half-hearted attempt to start some of the items on the list that would take more time to complete, but nothing measurable.  Steve, to his credit, kept his end of the bargain as my credibility partner and asked about it during every session.  Finally, as I was able to dig out from my work madness at the beginning of November, I began to fan the spark that started this whole project in the first place.  I realized that I had unwittingly started or completed several items already…and this gave me momentum.

It is now November 13.  Seven weeks have passed, and there is nothing I can do to get them back.  I can however begin now, today and make this list come to life.  Item number 39 on the list was “Keep a Journal”.  I know myself well enough to know that I am not going to hand write in a journal every evening before I go to bed or anything like that.  Then I remembered this blog site, long ignored abandoned.

I began to wonder if I should re-work this site, and create a new direction.  Eliminate the Jackie tie in and start fresh.  But then I started thinking…how much of Jackie’s incredible life happened AFTER she turned 39?  I have never claimed to be an expert on Jackie, and I don’t intent to become one.  So, I did what anyone would do.  I googled it.  Turns out, Jackie was 39 year old the year she married Ari Onassis.  Not only that, but after Ari died in 1975, she began an entirely new career in publishing, at age 46.

With this information at hand, I was feeling a renewed sense of excitement, and not just about this project, but about the next chapter of my life.  It seems to me that My Life with Jackie is just starting the next phase.  And it is starting with 40 things I want to do before I turn 40.  I hope my journey is inspiring and that someone actually reads it.  If not, it will be enough for me to be able to look back on it myself in another ten years and reflect on how far I’ve come, yet again.

THE LIST:

1.  Lose 40 pounds
2.  Plant a tree
3. Shoot a gun
4. Pay for someone’s groceries
5. Save $5,000
6. Learn to use a sewing machine
7. Have professional photos taken
8. Plant a garden (flower or herb/veg)
9. Give up fast food for 1 month
10. Release a floating lantern
11. Run a 5k
12. Buy a holiday gift for a homeless person
13. Volunteer – Library?  Reading Initiative?
14. Read a “Classic”
15. Spend a whole day with my Grandma
16. See the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree
17. Finish a craft project
18. Watch baby turtles hatch
19. Pay off credit card debt
20. Go fishing with my dad
21. Get a good haircut and color
22. Do a Float Tank
23. Go to the Ballet / Opera / Symphony
24. Skinny Dip
25. Participate in a Bible study
26. Rent a fancy car for a drive along a coast line OR for a night on the town
27. Sleep out under the stars
28. Try a new church
29. Cook (and eat!) a fish dinner
30. Keep an orchid or violet alive
31. Donate to Toys for Tots
32. Rent a boat for a day
33. Go on a picnic
34. Give up TV for one month – INCLUDING Netflix, Amazon, Hulu, etc.
35. Ride a Bike
36. Play in the snow
37. Take Zeke to the science center or a museum
38. Take Murphy to the dog park
39. Keep a journal
40. Spend a day shopping for antiques / flea market

"One stitch."

While I don't really ever go to the movies, the movies I do see stick with me for awhile.  This explains why when I weighed in this week at WW, all I could hear was the ER doctor in Adventures in Babysitting telling Brad he only needed "One stitch" in his foot after he was stabbed by the gang dude.  You have to hear it.  I lost one pound.  One lonely, solitary little pound.  BUT - I am not upset by this.  As a friend pointed out to me..a loss is a loss.

I can't even really complain, because it's not like I was starving all week.  I had a few drinks on the 3rd.  And the 4th.  And the 5th.  I went out to eat several times.  I did not exercise.  All in all, a pound is actually pretty lucky.  I tracked MOST of my points, but wasn't a fanatic about it.  I did however make it the whole week (and then some) without ordering a pizza.  Can I get a hell yeah?!?!?

This week has been going better.  I discovered I like Trader Joe's Kalamata Olive hummus.  I have packed my lunch two days in a row.  I cooked Thai food last night, and even put vegetables in it!

I've still got my head in the game, so that is the good news.  10 pounds to go till I reach my 1st goal!

The Journey Begins. Again.

I'm three days in to my latest attempt at Weight Watchers.  I had been down to the lowest weight I'd been in 10 years back in December.  Christmas was...well Christmas was not what I expected.  I got sick with the flu for New Year's...and just basically lost my mojo.  So now, six months later I've gained it all back.  The good news is, it took me two months to loose it, and six to gain it back.  So in theory, if I can go at this hard core for the rest of the year, I should be ahead of the game.  That said, I'm not focusing on six months from now.  I'm not focusing on one month from now.  I have to basically focus on this week. This day.

In a world where I have no control over 90% of the things in my life...I can control this.  It's not fun, so I'm trying to make it fun.  I'm doing all that shit kids do when they are dreaming about the future.  Cutting (printing) out pictures of outfits I love and sticking them all over the house.  Taping motivational sayings to the food inside my fridge.  I guess I am going to have to do it old school, at least in the beginning while things are the hardest.

People say that journaling about this kind of thing can help keep it interesting and provide a place to go back to later when you are struggling for refreshed motivation.  I thought about just writing in a notebook, but the reality is that I will probably never do that, or if I did, it wouldn't be all cute like the ones on Pinterest.  So we'll start here and see how it goes.

So far this week I've eaten salad twice.  That's a big improvement!  Tonight is grilled chicken.  Tomorrow I am having dinner with a good friend who has recently become a vegetarian.  She is cooking up something for us, and I've promised to try it out and be open minded. I have to broaden my horizons!

So that's all for now.  Stay tuned for more.  Maybe I will get crazy and start posting pictures of inspirational outfits and motivational sayings on here too.  Fun!

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Well...that amazing packing experience I had going to PGH for Thanksgiving?  It won't be repeating itself for Christmas.  With all the recent car/work drama, I went in to full on regression back to old Sara.  The good news is that it won't take as long to bounce back this time...the bad news is that I am leaving on Friday (and perhaps even Wednesday afternoon, depending on circumstances) which leaves only a few nights to "redd up".

I'm not going to spend a ton of time beating myself up about it though.  Facing large car repair bills and having to make a decision about how to handle that is really one of the first major financial decisions that was TOTALLY up to me.  Last time I bought a car, I had to do it, because the sunroof on the Saturn was leaking to the point that I was driving with an umbrella when it rained.  It had to happen.  This time...not so cut and dry.  I'm proud of the decision I made though, and although my coworkers may say differently (they had to listen to me go back and forth and back again), I think I handled it pretty well.

Even with that, and the fantastic work stress I've been trying to get out from under, I still managed to loose a few more pounds, actually achieving my first mini-goal of losing 5% of my starting weight.  When I add this to the total weight I've lost in the past two years, I'm at 30 pounds.  It seems like a lot, but for the most part, it has happened so slowly that sometimes it is hard for me to recognize.  Just to keep the motivation in place, I did some digging and came up with this picture from the fall of 2011:

I can't say for sure exactly what my weight was there, but I'm pretty certain it was right about the time I was at my heaviest point ever.  After I found that little gem, I tried to remember the last time I was at my current weight.  I can't be totally sure, but according to some papers I have in a file, it would have been somewhere around 2003-2004.  I hate to have my picture taken as a rule, but I think I should really make it a point to get a good one soon to mark some progress.  This is one of the more recent ones, taken in October (but I'm a good 10 pounds lighter now than I was in this picture):

Even looking at the pictures, I still don't see a ton of difference, and I have a long long way to go, but it's something.  I'm not naive enough to think that I will get high school skinny again (and I thought I was fat in high school!  ugh, what a waste) but I'd like to get 20's skinny.  I'm shooting for this, circa 2000:

Again, can't be too sure, but if I had to guess, I'd say I'm about 45 pounds away.  This is one of the last pictures I can easily find of me in clothes I bought at a "regular" store (that was one of the last shirts I ever bought from Express, and again, not 100% sure, but the pants were probably from Gap.  I know, scary that I remember that, but couldn't tell you what I wore to work last week.)

Anyway, not fishing for compliments or anything like that.  It just helps me to see what's ahead of me and behind me on this journey.  Dude, I just called losing a weight a journey.  I hate me right now.  I just ventured into Julie and Julia or Eat, Pray, Love territory.  Oh how I loathe both of those books....

So that's all for now.  I'm just about to start re-reading my Jackie inspiration guidebook, "What Would Jackie Do?" so it's possible there may be more frequent posting after the new year.  At least, that's one of my goals....go team!

Over The River...

I just had a fantastic experience.  I packed for my trip home to Pittsburgh in less than an hour.  And that included dishes, dishwasher, laundry, cat stuff, litter boxes, and actual packing.  THIS NEVER HAPPENS.  Recently though I've been trying much harder to be good to myself by keeping up with the house.  Turns out, it actually works.  I was able to come home and eat dinner without feeling like I was procrastinating.  I only had to do one load of laundry (jeans).  I unloaded the dishwasher and put the few dirty dishes that i had in.  I emptied the litter boxes and took out the trash.  I packed my suitcase, and cleaned out my backpack and purse.  In less than an hour.  In my previous state, this packing would have been an epic chore.  I'd have had to do three or more loads of laundry.  I'd have had to do a mountain of dishes, or worse, just leave dirty dishes in the sink.  The living room would look like I'd been robbed for the cat sitter.  I'd be up until all hours finishing all this stuff.  But for the first time in recent memory, I was able to breeze through this.  It feels AMAZING.

It just goes to prove that your surroundings truly do affect your mental state.  I'm really proud of myself, and this is just what I needed to prove that I am making good decisions in my life....

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

An Open Letter To My House

Dear House,

We’ve had some good times; we’ve had some not so good times.  In the beginning, I think we both tried really hard to get along.  I did my best to move my stuff into the space you were providing.  You appeared comfortable and clean.  It didn’t take long for things to break down on my end.  I quickly ran out of rooms, and left several boxes unpacked in the dining room.  It stayed that way for months.  I finally tried to unload those last few boxes, but I fear by then, the damage was done.

You see, in the time that I left the boxes unpacked, I started to see things I hadn’t seen before, when we were just talking about coming together.  Your kitchen is very small.  So small I can’t fit a microwave in it.  Your living room is dark.  I know, I know…you are saying, “But I have that fantastic sunroom!”  This is true…there is the sunroom.  But let’s be honest.  The French doors into the sunroom are really taking up more space than they are worth.  Eventually I gave up.  I admit it.   I’m the one who gave up on our relationship.  I let things get out of hand, and how could you be responsible?  Papers in piles everywhere, shoes in every room…let’s not even discuss the infrequency of my vacuuming. 

Over time, I’ve made halfhearted attempts to pick things up again and regain your trust.  It hasn’t been enough.  I realize now that we are in this together.  We have a committed relationship, you and I.  At least until May 21^st, 2014.  And with that in mind, I am going to make the following vows to you, so that we can both be proud to be seen in public together again.

 

1.       I resolve to finally clean out the sunroom.  I will get rid of the papers I don’t need, organize the ones I do, and make the rest of that space a fun place to read or knit, or whatever.  I WILL THROW THINGS AWAY.

2.       I will pay more attention to the closet in the front hall.  While I have my doubts about throwing away the box the TV came in, I’ve been counseled against keeping it.  I do feel the need to keep the Christmas tree and its box, although I will agree to search for a better storage solution for that.  Perhaps a nice shoe rack in there would make you smile?

3.       The living room…well, I’m afraid the living room is a bit of a challenge at the moment.  I will do a better job of exposing the furnishings and keeping them free of dust and cat hair, but there’s not much I can do about the general condition of the couch at this time.  It will continue to be a saggy, dingy mess.  At least for a while.

4.       You know as well as I do what comes next.  I think this is one of our biggest areas of conflict.  The kitchen.  I promise to stop complaining about how small it is (I should love you for you, right?) and make better use of the space you do offer me.  This will involve things like running the dishwasher nearly every day, wiping down the counters, and organizing the cabinets so that everything fits neatly inside.  I’ll go back to keeping the cat dishes in the dining room, to make more space.  I will commit to emptying the trash every other day, or every third day at most. 

5.       Let’s talk about the bedroom.  I know you want a headboard.  I know you do, and I’d love to give that to you.  But for now please understand, it can’t happen.  To try to make up for that, I promise to make the bed every day and even put the big fluffy pillows up there.  When I do that, it gives the allusion of a headboard.  That’s compromise, right?  Whatever is in the Rubbermaid bins will be donated or tossed.  I hear you when you say if I haven’t needed it yet, I’m not going to need it.  In place of the bins, I will substitute hampers, which I will utilize, daily.  Laundry will not be allowed to take over.  I will control it.  I know it’s my responsibility, as I wanted the clothes, not you.  It’s not fair for you to suffer as a result.

6.       The last room, the bathroom, hasn’t really been a major problem for us.  I could do a better job of wiping down the mirror now and then, and I can definitely clean out the drawers.  Our main issue is that laundry sneaks out of the bedroom and into the bathroom.  This must stop.

Please understand that I want us to be successful.  Things didn’t go bad overnight, and they won’t magically get better overnight.  But I am making the commitment now, here in front of God and everyone, to do better.  You deserve it, and so do I.

Your roomie-

Sara